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Piece of shit. [26 Mar 2008|09:03am]
As of late, I can't stop thinking about us. I'm so fucking angry/ hurt by everything you did and I can't move past it yet.

I can't get over the fact that you don't fucking care about the people you love and known for a while. I gave you so much and you stepped all over me just because you could! Who the fuck does that to someone?? You said that I could trust you and that you wouldn't hurt me. So I gave everything to you! I dedicated myself to you and you fucking threw it away like some cheap piece of shit.
I am NEVER going to get those pieces back, Scott. I hope you feel fucking miserable for that. There was a promise that you broke, and never apologized. I deserve a lot more than that after the time we spent together.
I don't understand anything anymore. I hate how towards the end you treated me like shit just to see what I would do and you wouldn't stop. If you didn't want to be with me that bad, why didn't you just break it sooner?
Sometimes when I think of you, I remember some of the good times and that it makes me think that you'll want me back, but i know you don't at all because you're supposedly perfectly fine and happy without me. You don't fucking care about my feelings or what I'm going through. You can't tell me "If you love something let it go." You never loved me. You never fucking cared. You let me walk out that door. If you loved me at all you would've realized how much you were hurting me and tired harder. I don't feel like you tried at all.
i hate how i feel like it's all my fault.
if only i had done this...
if i only i had done that.
i hope i find someone so much better in no time.
i hope you're miserable without me.
i hope you're losing sleep over this.
i hope that you're beating yourself up for losing me.
i can't stand thinking about you.
i get hurt all over again.
i don't understand.
show me love.

All I want. [23 Mar 2008|01:19pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

 I dont understand how you can get such pleasure out of hurting someone you "love". What did they do to you? They treated you the way you deserve to be treated. They offered to cook, they cleaned, they took care of you when you were sick. Now what? You've got nothing because you fucked it up. Good job. I hope you feel fucking miserable. I hope you're depressed. I hope you feel bad for what you put me through.
I gave you so much. How am I going to get all of those pieces back? You said that I could trust you and that you wouldn't hurt me. That was a promise you broke, and you never apologized. I deserve something more than that after the time we spent together. 

Fuck you, I hope you're miserable.
Why am I the only one that feels like this?

show me love.

It's been forever and a day. [04 Jun 2007|04:58pm]
[ mood | happy ]

It recently hit me that I've forgotten to write in all of my journals for the past couple hundred months.
But, I go ahead and start with a quick little update.

As of March 12th, I started cosmetology school and it's going wonderfully. It's such an amazing feeling knowing that this is where I'm supposed to be and I absolutely LOVE going everyday. When I first started, I was so eager to go and learn something new. Not that it isn't like that anymore, it's just that now, there's more drama that's going on and it's slightly more stressful. I'm actually cutting real people hair as opposed to cutting a mannequin's hair.
The first day on the clinic floor was extremely scary. I wasn't sure what to do, I felt lost in a room full of people who I thought were mocking me because I looked so lost. But then the rest of my classmates came and I felt a little more comfortable.
I love most of the girls that are in my class and I wouldn't switch classes with anyone. I became fast friends with one of the girls and she's a doll. Plus! She's a Christian which is really cool for me because then I have someone to relate to. There's about 8 total in my class and I get along with a lot of them, they make me laugh every day!
Other than that, things are going really well and I still love it.

Nothing else is really new, I guess. I've been working every once in a while, and I'm thinking of getting a second job which will be a TON of stress, but with the gas prices and all, I need it just so I can fill up my car since I go to a school that's about 45 minutes away.
My love life is still blah. It's complicated and I thought that I wanted to get into it, but I changed my mind. I'll update about that later.

Anyway... I suppose that's my life in a nutshell. I update very soon, I promise with more details!

2 showed me love.| show me love.

Church. [01 Dec 2006|01:01pm]

I had lunch with a friend of mine today. It wasn't as bad as the one I had a couple of weeks ago.
It was different; For me anyway. I've been friends with this person for almost 10 years, and things aren't the same as they used to be. The first couple of years that we were friends, we had fun. It was an easy relationship, but what isn't at the age of 9 or 10?
But now... we're 18, our lives going in different ways, and our desire to keep thing going seems to be going down the drain. At least that's the way I see it right now. I feel like the only reason we keep this thing going is because we go to the same church, we see each other every Sunday.. blah blah. There seems to be this problem that everyone knows about, but no one wants to talk about it because they're too afraid or they're ignoring it all together.
Going to church is a chore; I don't look forward to it anymore. I realize that there isn't a church that's perfect. I get that. But when is this church going to stop ignoring what's going on and try to deal with it? I don't know if it's just me that feels this way. You're probably thinking, "Then just go and focus on God." Yeah, well... it's hard to do that when you know there's something going on and no one is doing a damn thing about it. I honestly enjoy this church; I love it. I love the people. But, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to this because of the social aspect or God. Sigh.

I'm done for now. Advice? Words of encouragement?

5 showed me love.| show me love.

It's sad... [22 Nov 2006|12:39pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I remember when this used to be popular...

show me love.

Stupid. [20 Oct 2006|11:08am]
[ mood | cranky ]

My weekend is going to suck HARD.
Also, whoever said dating was fun, is an idiot.

1 showed me love.| show me love.

Tickets. [03 Sep 2006|03:31pm]
Gah! I'm trying desperately to find cheap planes tickets for myself because I really want to fly to Oklahoma to see one of my best friends. I'm not sure if I'll be able to find something cheap before October, but I'm trying my hardest! 

If someone finds something cheap, let me know!
show me love.

Weekend o' Fun. [04 Aug 2006|04:01pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

I'm so excited!
I'm leaving in about a half hour to go to the BEACH. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm readyyyy!

Now I just have to make sure that I have everything. I cleaned up my room before I left and it always surprises me how much floor space I actually have after I clean up. It's a lovely feeling.
The only reason I cleaned up though is because I found a gazillion ants in my room this morning and I guess they have a suicide wish because they keep coming back and eating the ant poison I have.
I found maybe 3 in my bed this morning, I thought they were going to create a home in my ear or something. It's disgusting... so I found satisfaction in vaccuming them up. Is that gross?

I also went to the doctor this morning and again, she didn't help me. She told me to drink a bunch of liquid. Whatever. I'll try it, and if that doesn't work, I'll just go back. : /

Since I'm leaving for the weekend, I hope to come back to a ton of comments. :D Have a good one, guys

show me love.

Sorry it's been so long! [01 Aug 2006|11:13pm]
Sorry I haven't updated in a long time, but I've been really busy with work n' such. However, the other night I went to a wedding for some friend's of mine from church. The ceremony was alright, I think. It was short, which was nice because I don't like sitting through really long ceremonies.
The ceremony was at 2:30 and I think it was finished at 3:30 or close to it, so we were able to go home relax for a while then go ahead and go to the reception which was at The Swan Club. (First time there and it was pretty nice.)

It was long at first because, if people wanted the bride and groom to kiss then they had to tell stories of them when they were younger, so when the meal was being served, people kept coming up and telling stories. (Some of which weren't that funny...) ("One time... we went to this reception and it was really boring. Oh wait. It's this one! Nevermind.")
When that was all finished people started dancing and junk. At some point during the night, some guy walked up to me and started talking to me and he was asking different questions about myself and from the looks of him, I knew he was older so I was wondering why he was even talking to me. Eventually the conversation came to a close and as he was walking away he says, "Hey, you and I should dance later." and I looked at him and I said, "Uh... ok?"
After he said that I was trying to avoid him because I don't like dancing with strange men. If I'm going to dance with anyone... I want it to be someone I know really well or my boyfriend (if I ever have one again.)
So... after my failed attempt at avoiding him, he comes up to me later during a slow song that's almost finished and he says, "Alright, so you and me, the next slow song. Ok?" and I said yes thinking the next slow one would be a couple of songs later, hoping that he would forget. But, no. The very next song was a slow song and I had to dance with him.
Don't get me wrong... he was a gentleman, he didn't do anything wrong. But it's just weird.
He starts asking me all these things about what I want to do with my life and at some point I ask how old he is and he said 25. After the song a couple of people that I was hanging out with came up to him and were like, "Dude... you know how old she is right?" and after that he backed off.
And the rest of the night was well.
I didn't have any cake though... I don't know why.
show me love.

I was accepted! [12 Jul 2006|12:41pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I just got a letter informing me that I was accepted to Gill-Tech Adcademy of Hair Design!
I'm so excited... I stated on my application that I wanted to start in November; but I might just start in January so I can get enough money n' stuff. But, how cool is that??

My weekend was a little interesting. Saturday, I saw Pirates of the Caribbean, which was AWESOME; I can't wait till the third one. Then earlier in the day I went to a friend's graduation and that was... um. Alright, I guess.
My old youth pastor was there and it was nice to see him at first, but then out of no where he asked me "Are you still afraid to go up in front of people?" and I said, "Somewhat... yeah." Then he says, "Okay, good." then I asked him why and all he said was "You'll see." You'll see? What the heck?
So later during the ceremony Scott gets up there (Youth pastor) and he starts talking about my friend and how he's proud of her. Then he calls both her and myself up there.
Now before I go any further, let me explain something... her and I have had a very rocky friendship; especially in 7th grade. Her and I were pretty much always having our problems. Either she did something to me, or I did something to her.
But, let me also say that she's the type of person that's aggressive, head-strong, go-getter, strong-willed, so if she's mad at you... she'll pretty much ignore you depending on how bad the situation is. That said... let me continue.

Scott continues to explain our little friendship, then he asks us to role play. She was supposed to come up to me and say hello, then I was supposed to pretend that I was mad at her. So I did... people laughed. Blah blah.
Then! He continues to say that it was HER that tried to do all the fixing of the relationship and he made it seem like I was the one who was always pissed and unwilling to reconcile with her. Ok, now I know that it was her day in the sun and she deserves the praise that she gets. She did try to fix some of the things that went on in our relationship, and I agree when he said that she is the kind of person who doesn't like her friendships to fall apart.
But... I also know that there quite a few times where she would ignore me for the dumbest reasons. And guess what? She wouldn't try to fix it. She would come up to me every couple of months and tell me what I was doing wrong in the relationship and she would tell me that I needed to change. I would go home crying at night because I wasn't whatever she wanted. It wasn't just her either, it was some other girl, too. 

Scott doesn't know what he's talking about. He was always a little more biased when it came to Her. I felt that he always got along with her and her family than he got along with my family and I. He would always lean more towards her case than he did mine. 
So basically, I was up there and I was reminded of why I hate being in front of people. 

Like I said, I agree when he said that she doesn't like it when her friendships fall apart; she will try to fix it.
I don't want people to read this and think "Wow. She must hate her friends." No, I don't hate her, I have a great amount of respect for her. We've been through a bunch of shit together and now we're at a place where I think I might be a little more comfortable with her.
I just... haven't forgiven her for the things that have happened before; it's hard for me to let it all go. 
I don't want people to think that I'm some angel, though, either. I'm far from it. Whatever... the people who know me will understand why it affected me so much. I'm done venting.

Yay that I got in! :D

show me love.

[06 Jul 2006|03:43pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

First of all, I just heard a great song. I think it's in Japanese... listen to it. Asian Kung-Fu Generation - Soi Fa. I thought they were singing in english but they aren't. The beat is good and the guy's voice is pretty good too.

Work is good. I worked one day this week for some reason, and I think I'm working two days next week. We're getting a new assistant manager and she's going to be training next week. Should be interesting.
There's nothing interesting going on in my life and I keep expecting a phone call from someone, but I haven't heard from them. I'm sad.

I'm excited to see Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm going on saturday with Banana.

2 showed me love.| show me love.

Graduation. [26 Jun 2006|03:37pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Hello all!
I am offically a 2006 graduate. Go me!

The party went really well, and as soon as I can, I'll put some pictures up. I didn't take the greatest pictures, but my grandma took some really good ones, but you have to come see me in person to see them, mwhahaha.
Alot of people came, too; I was able to see some people that I haven't seen in a while.

I got some really fun gifts, too. Some of my friends gave me a huge bag of gifts that included a big stuffed heffalump, a pack of 100 blowpops, a pail and a shovel for the beach this summer AND a beach ball, and for some reason horse stickers, and a whoopie cushion. Yay! I think we're going to up to Sturgeon Bay for a weekend or something like that. It's going to be a blast.

The after party was fun pretty fun too, Michael, Banana, Stephen, Sarah and I all went to Starbucks and got something to drink, then Michael, Banana and I went biking then came back to my house and hung out for a little while. I called Brandon and gave him a hard time about not coming, but hopefully it didn't bother him too much.

Now work starts tomorrow and the real world is going to set in. (I can get a CAR!)
[EDIT] Oh yeah... I forgot to tell people on here.... I GOT A JOB! I'm working at Coach House Cards and Gifts. It's just another Hallmark store, basically. I got the call last Tuesday and the manager said that she just found my application and she asked me if I still wanted a job there, so yay! I start tomorrow and then I work again on Friday.

2 showed me love.| show me love.

My computer has issues. [17 Jun 2006|05:18pm]
[ mood | squished. ]

Holy mothercrackers it's hot outside today!

I took a tour of Gill Tech today, and it was awesome! The facility is really nice, and the woman who told me all about the college was really nice too. She took maybe an hour to go over everything that I would be doing there and it sounds like it'll be fairly easy. The first 8 weeks, I'll be a freshman, the second 8 weeks, I'll be a sophmore, then a junior, then a senior.
I believe she said that during my senior year I could go to other salons and do intern work and if I do that then all the hours that I worked there would be sent to my school, then if I do the hours required of me then I would graduate earlier.

Anyway... I'm off to eat tacos and watch some more Scrubs.

What have you all been up to?

show me love.

[18 May 2006|01:27pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I decided that I feel accomplished for this week. Not only did I do a large sum of math, (kind of.), but I sent out my invitations for my graduation, (Which, some of you should have already received. Although, there were some people who I haven’t sent an invitation to, but I’m working on it!) And, I’m getting my senior pictures done on Saturday at 2.

Yesterday afternoon was somewhat interesting. I went with Spet, Banana and my mom to get photos taken of all my siblings and I. Let me just say that it was awkward. First of all, we went to a place at the Bay Park Mall called Picture People.
It was alright, it’s just kind of uncomfortable walking in there when all you see is baby pictures everywhere. We were definitely the oldest kids there. However, the pictures did turn out pretty good.

Mwhaha, none of you get to see them either because we’re sending them all away! They were for a mother’s day present to our grandmothers.

I’m kind of concerned because of my pictures on Saturday. I want them to look really… I don’t know. I want them to look good. But, I don’t want them to be like everyone else’s pictures. Every little brochure that I’ve gotten has all of their heads at a tilt and they have a smile on their face that says, “Are we done yet?”

I know that we’re supposed to do both indoor and outdoor pictures, and I’m REALLY hoping that it’ll be sunny out so that I can have some good photos. I have a really good idea for one of them… so hopefully it works. :D

Other than all that. There's nothing new... kind of. heh. (I'll explain another day.)

Until next time!

3 showed me love.| show me love.

Hmm. [15 May 2006|11:42pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

Hello, people.
It feels like forever since I last updated, even though it was last Thursday... but, whatever.
Life is good, just kind of dreary. It's been so stinkin' rainy for the past week and a half. I looked at www.weather.com and it said it's supposed to be this way for the next 2 weeks. I just hope it all goes away before June 24th.

Other aspects of my life are doing alright. My social life is good; I went to a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine on Saturday, which was a lot of fun. We played a couple of games, one of which was spoons. I ended up accidentily stabbing someone with my finger... and it still hurts. I never did figure out who I hurt.

Anyway... So, as you all know, yesterday was Mother's Day, and we did something for our mom. We took her to lunch with a couple of people from church, and then we went home, relaxed, gave her some gifts and my mom then decided she wanted to go to a movie. At first, she decided on Ice Age 2. I was all excited about seeing this, because I've wanted to see it for quite some time now.
HOWEVER, when we got there, we realized that the movie started at a different time than what the website said it did. So we were 10 minutes late to the movie. My mom then gave me a choice... either Mission Impossible 3 (YUCK) or Poseidon, (YUCKIER). Since everyone else didn't really care what we saw, it was up to me. In the end, I chose MI3 because it was the lesser of two evils. But guess what? The movie didn't start until 7:30 and it was 6:30. My mom didn't want to wait that long... so we had to see Poseidon.
I can honestly say that I never want to see the movie again. I hate destruction movies! I never liked the stress level.
I lived through it, and I don't have to watch it again. YAY!

But for now... I'm off to do school. (Haha..ha..ha...)

4 showed me love.| show me love.

[11 May 2006|07:05pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Ok, so I have to admit. I haven't had the best week in the world. However, it wasn't the worst. It was just okay.
I didn't do much besides school. I had a voice lesson on Wednesday and I realized that an hour before the lesson, it would all be over in about 3 weeks. I'm not going to have time to do any lessons during the summer and if I have voice lessons during the year, I'm still not going to have time. I'm not ready for it to be over.
Another thing that happened this week was that we found out we had baby rabbits in our backyard! Again. It happens several times a year during the summer... and I think they all died already! With all this rain, I'm not sure the mother ever came back to help them. STUPID RAIN! I HATECHU!

Other than that... nothing really new to report. We've had a relatively calm week, and tomorrow my brother is coming home! :D The highlight of my week. However, some people think he's coming home on Sunday, so I hope that it stays a secret for a while... at least until Saturday.

Anyway... I'm out. I feel sick as a dog.

show me love.

Maybe the second time's the charm. [08 May 2006|11:56am]
[ mood | determined ]

So I decided to take the ACTs again.
I didn't do so good on the one I took a couple of weeks ago.I know that I can do better than that, I just didn't for whatever reason.

I counted it out and I noticed that I have at least 6 weeks to study this stupid thing. So darnit, I WILL study for this stupid stupid test! 

Oh yeah... went .94.7 miles on the treadmill today! :D

3 showed me love.| show me love.

Sigh. [29 Apr 2006|11:17pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Today was sort of interesting, but not really. I had to do a couple of things and I didn't get any of them done, really.
I had to some more school today because I didn't really do any today, and after thinking about it right now, I'm getting more and more guilty about it. I did do it. But, I didn't do as much as I had hoped to do. Maybe I'll try and do some after church...

Then I had to plan my lesson for Sunday School tomorrow so I'd actually know what I was doing, and half way through reading through it all, I realized that they were asking me to use a certain book, and I thought that the book came with the whole package, but it didn't. So NOW, I had to find something else to use, but then I remembered that I had some kids books on sharing, and junk. So I found one book that's PERFECT for the lesson and I'm going to use that tomorrow. I was so excited about it. Now.. I just need to find a craft, I suppose... but I have no idea what to use. So if any of you have any ideas, PLEASE let me know.

(I was going to write more, but I'm sleepy. So... The End.)

3 showed me love.| show me love.

I got my shoes! do do doooo. [24 Apr 2006|03:24pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I GOT MY SHOES! :D:D And they FIT!

1 showed me love.| show me love.

[15 Apr 2006|04:59pm]
Hey ya'll. 
I'm in Arkansas, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm fine and alive. It's been 90 almost everyday, and I LOVE it. 
I'll be back on Monday. :D
1 showed me love.| show me love.

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